An extract from ‘For the Love of Everything.’
I didn’t purposely choose to become a spiritual seeker, in a way I had to, otherwise I was more than likely going to die young from the bulimia. But that wasn’t the real spur, actually the question WHY? was what got it going, why THIS? I was still in my teens and basically I HAD to find answers, there was no way this bundle of energy could have settled with marrying and children, or even doing the rat race. I had to know WHY.
For ten years it felt like I was stripped of everything that I thought I knew. It felt like I was constantly sitting on the edge of the diving board. I can’t really tell you how or why it happened, it just happened like that. At points it was very physically painful. Everything was being lost and everything was questioned and at points it was very exciting. There was reading of books, listening to speakers, practicing weird practices and living with bodies that were mostly empty of self. There were drugs, sex, booze, food, shitting and life, just life, which was in a constant momentum of change.
I never knew the way. There was always doubt. I never thought that this was the way to freedom. It happened without me knowing it was happening.
Then one day, after many experiences and awakenings, everything changed. It didn’t suddenly make sense, it didn’t suddenly click and there was an understanding.
There was just LOVE. Everywhere, the boundless intimacy of everything but not for Lisa …… it was everything.
One day I was inside the body, relating to the world through time and “me,” then one day that was gone and there was everything. The Aliveness was no longer Lisa’s and bound inside a body. It didn’t belong to a story in time, or a description in words, or a body moving through the world. It was every~thing and no~thing and completely ‘What the Hell!’
It wasn’t knowable.
And this isn’t some final state. In this weird reality where this world is seemingly experiencing through a body, the body is changing and developing, and change and growth and realizations still carry on. I don’t see myself as liberated or un-liberated, there or not there, finished or not finished. I don’t know where I am. I would need to know YOU in order to judge myself and I don’t ;).
So now there is talking and writing about this, but there is no idea of a path or a way to this. All of it seems like a dream now, me, and my life and the way through time, a dream to nowhere.
Talking and listening is happening, but what is spoken of, or written about, is not known by a someone. It can’t even be known that Lisa lost everything. What a cosmic joke.
And then, we laugh. ~